Identity Issues Resolved

Since I was a child I have never really felt like a girl. Growing up in almost every class I was in there was a majority of boys and in the fourth grade I was the only girl in the class. I was never to the extent of thinking I was a boy, but I was a tomboy. I adopted "boylike" tendencies. Then middle school happened and I started growing boobs. Suddenly I was thrown into the whirlpool of identity issues. I acted like a boy and thought like a boy, but here my body was telling me, "Tosin, you are a girl." I was very confused at the time and still am sometimes, but I am going to tell of the time when I have felt like a total boy, a complete girl, and both at the same time.

Tosin the Boy
All through elementary school people called me Funke. Now the name is pronounced foon keh, but some people call me fun kay. Now if you wanted to totally annoy me you would pronounce my name as fun kee. So one morning this kid in my class named Caleb was going to be funny and so he went around the room calling me funky black monkey. Then everyone in the class started laughing at me. At the time the teacher was out of the room. So I chased him. He began running, because I was much bigger than he was--I have usually been bigger than most guys. Finally I get ahold of him by his hair and begin dragging him across the room. I stand him up when we get to the window and then smack his head against the window cill. Immediately blood rushes out of his nose. I feel like a boy at this moment because it was the first time i used physical strength to stand up for myself. I felt tough and on top of the world like no one could mess with me and no one ever did and no one has ever since.

Tosin the Girl
When I first entered high school I didn't know anyone. I was alone most of the time unless I was in class. The third week of freshman year I joined student council and made a couple of friends. As high school passed by I became one of the familiar faces that people knew at McEachern I was nothing big, but I was well known. Finally senior year rolls around and I get nominated for Homecoming Court. I was surprised and humbled and blessed. It was the first time I had ever been nominated for court and it was not a cheerleader or a girl on McEachearn Live or a stepper. I was just Tosin. I also was not a skinny girl either...still ain't. Nonetheless it was the night of the Homecoming game and there I was walking on the football field and I felt like such a total girl. I was waving like Princess Diana and blowing kisses to the senior stands like Jackie Kennedy. I felt like a girl. I was acting like myself, but a lady version. The one the gains respect for her posture and the way she carries herself. Then at the Homecoming Dance when the announced the Court and I was dancing with my friend ,Adam, I truly felt like a total princess.

Tosin In the Intersexed State
Today I cut off all my hair. I essentially have a masculine haircut, but here I am typing the blog feeling the most feminine I have ever felt in my life. I am understanding that yes, I am a 100% heterosexual female with an African American male haircut feeling like a woman. I feel liberated. I can't even explain it, but this haircut makes me so happy. When I was at the barber and finally saw my hair I smiled and cried, because I knew this haircut was meant for me. Finally I am sure that I am definitely a female with masculine tendencies, but that is okay.
Powerful Posting,
Tosin