A BLOG BLOB

That was me at five I think. What a beautiful child. I miss her sometimes. I can only anticipate having a daughter. She'll be an interesting soul.




SERIOUSLY!

Honestly, I just don't get it sometimes.

I am eighteen years old and there are many things I haven't done. Let me make a list:

I have not had sex
I have not drunken alcohol
I have not done drugs
I have not gotten involved in a gang (unless you consider chorus one)
I have not gotten pregnant
I have not kissed a boy
I have not snuck out of my house
I have not been on a date
I have not been asked out
I have not......

Well, you can see where this is going there are a ton of things I have not done, most of which I am proud to admit. I never wanted to be like every other teenager so I abstained from acting like one. I am the most mature eighteen year old you will ever meet. I have my moments of juvenile activities, but who doesn't. I earned a 4.0 in my first semester of college (to God be the glory for that). I have remained active in my commitments to God. I serve God and have an actual relationship with Him. I have a actual job--which I do a great job at. I go to school full time, run errands for my family, I work really really hard. So, I can't understand why when I want some recreational time my friends who are constantly being handed the short end of the stick of my time. I can't. I love my friends with all my heart and the time I get to see them is so extremely limited. So why can't we just hang out. So, it is late in the night, but we are only eight minutes away from the house. I'll possible understand when I get older, but now. Now, I am wasting time writing this blog as opposed to being with my friends at Chili's.

Now, my question is. Why? If, I am such a great kid shouldn't I be given leverage? I won't grow crazy with freedom and then abuse it. I cherish it too much. It just feels sometimes I am carrying the load of a college student in a high school book-bag. Most evenings, the parents of college students don't know what they are doing or where they are. And I would never want that for us, but most evenings I spend them by myself. Most of my friends have boyfriends or girlfriends. The ones that don't obsess about not having one--which is quite annoying. So the small teeny tiny minority that does neither that I still love I can't see.

This bothers me immensely.


FRESH AIR

They is this song I am listening to right now on Pandora called Cadence and I think it might just be the most beautiful song I have ever heard. I want it to be my wedding song. "The closer I come to you. The closer I am to finding God. You're a miracle to me." It is not so much that the singer thinks you are God. It is like saying they can see God's love in you. Beautiful.



SUPER POWERS
I have been considering lately that invulnerability seems like a pretty crappy super power. To think that I could never get hurt would suck. I could never open up to some one, because then I could possibly get hurt. That is a crappy super power.

MY FINAL THOUGHTS of the DAY a WEEK AGO

It is funny I think before God created Eve He said, "It is not good for man to be alone." I am beginning to think it is not good for woman to be alone either. Seriously though, I try and avoid being alone with my thoughts sometimes cause they lead me down these depressing roads that never end. Today I was alone with my thoughts and started contemplating how lonely I am. I just feel like I got no person. My best friends are still my best friends, but I am slowing stepping out of that position and letting their boyfriends fill it. Before I was pissed about it, but not anymore. Everyone is growing I guess. So if the person you date is the same person you will marry I can't be your best friend that person has to be. Technically it is my fault that I am alone, but I am not one to fight for attention. Either you give it to me or you don't I am not a preteen who feels the need to portray herself in a light that "attracts" "boys".

That brings me to my next thought. Which is actually a letter.
To My Dearest Husband,
At this point in time, I am not sure of who you are. I don't know what you look like or when we will meet, but I am praying for you. I pray that you are safe and not doing anything stupid and just becoming a better person and Christian. Though I don't know you I love you tremendously. In fact to say I love you would not be enough, but all I can give you are the words "I love you" and the sweet action of prayer. Know I am waiting for you. Wait for me also.
Love Your Songbird,
Tosin

Here are my random filler thoughts. I think I might shave all my hair. Why is this kid messaging me. I don't know you. You live in Boston. And you are three years younger than me. NO THANKS. I hate being fat. I love Samoas! I am so goofy. SMILE.

The last thought in my mind is of Anthony. It makes me furious to think of him especially since I don't matter to him. You know I think that is kind of a form of love though. To be aware that the person you prayer is not praying or thinking of you, but you continue in your prayer, because you know you might be the only one praying for him. These prayers are not so much based on fear, but faith great faith. So wherever you are Ant please be careful.

Proper Post,
Tosin