I sometimes lose control of myself. My body will begin to do this weird thing. It is like it is shutting itself down or short circuiting. I know it sounds crazy, but it is like an out of body experience.

The first time I had this feeling was at thirteen when I went to my first funeral. Anthony might have been the only person I ever truly cared about past the point of a platonic friendship. So when I heard the news that his father passed away, I was heartbroken. Not because I had known his dad intimately, but merely because I love Anthony and hate to see him hurting. The funeral was held on a beautiful Saturday afternoon and I had spent most of the morning helping set up at church. My mind had been on Anthony for days and how I shouldn’t cry at the memorial service. The sanctuary was packed full of people so I found a seat in the back. The moment I saw the casket as naturally as a waterfall tears began to find their way from my eyes to my cheeks to my chin to their final resting place, the floor. The funeral was beautiful. I regain my composure making me last to leave the sanctuary. As the February sun beams down I see Anthony. I lose it. My composure, which I had just spent minutes on holding, leaves me. The crying intensifies. He walks towards me with his hands in his pocket. As he gets closer he removes his hands finally he is right in front of me with arms wide open. With my hands covering my face I begin to cough up the words, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I tried so hard.” He holds me and instantly I stop. Everything is gone. All but one sense leaves me, touch. I feel him. I don’t sense him holding me. I feel him as if I were his clothes. I felt his heart beating against his ribs. His ribs pressed against his pectoral muscles and his skin one his shirt.

I have always known I was the black sheep of my family. I love them all, but I am the odd one out. I was under constant scrutiny during 8th and 9th grade. One day had gotten in trouble –as usual—and my parents just let me have it. I didn’t say anything back. I walked to the back yard and, rage took over. Blinding, deathly rage like lava began at my core and began to seep out everywhere. I became inhuman. I began beating on the trees with bare fists. I saw my hands bleeding. I smelled the blood, but I just couldn’t feel it. All I felt was rage. I felt conscious and unconscious. I walk into the house and my mother screams. My hands are covered in blood. She washes them and wraps them. The next day I look at my hands. They were destroyed. I promised myself that day I would never allow myself to feel rage.

Two Saturdays ago me and my dad got in a tuft and-as always-whenever me and my dad get in a fight I end up getting hurt. So I put on my jacket, walk on the lawn and just lay there. Out of nowhere a single tear leaves my eye. Before I could stop the first one from escaping there was one in the other eye. I tried to control it all, but suddenly too many tears had gotten loose and they all stampeded out of my eyes. It was 9:00 PM and there I was weeping in the middle of the lawn. After what felt like an eternity-but was probably five minutes- I stopped. As the remaining tears made their way out of my eyes, I took off my jacket made it into a pillow, and looked upward. I started breathing normally. Everything began to fade away. The grass that was so uncomfortably poking my skin was gone. My ears became deaf to the trickle of cars passing the neighborhood. The salty taste of tears dissolved on my tongue. I couldn’t see the stars anymore, only the darker hues of the night sky. My breathing slowed down until it reached a halt. I was gone. It wasn’t sleep because I was conscious, but it felt like the seconds before death. I have never died nor have I been close to death, but I oft wonder if it will feel like that. I want it to.
I know whoever is reading this is probably like this girl is such a freak, but know me better than that. I don’t do emotions. I act on control. I have to control so much, but that is the beauty of when this happens. I have no control. I let it be.

To a certain extent I am embarrassed for writing on this. People have always seen me as someone who is in control, and it has made me into a monster. Luckily the complete joy in all of this is when I lose control. I feel like a human.

Pleased to Post,
Tosin